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12/15/00 - Feeling stressed out? Can't seem to settle into that relaxist groove? Think you've read this line somewhere else before?
Then email the Supreme Guru himself for advice! No problem too small; no topic too irrelevant.
The Supreme Guru will do his/her/its best to solve your problems. Also, to ensure the trust of our readers, anonymity is guaranteed. The policy of all our reader submissions is
that we won't post any real names or email addresses unless instructed otherwise. Just make the subject line of your email "Advice" and send your letters in!
Why offer such unselfish devotion to the troubles of our readers? Because the Guru cares, that's why. Disclaimer: This column reflects the opinions of the Supreme Guru of Relaxism. In the scope of this web site, these opinions are as good as fact. Otherwise, it is recommended that you completely ignore everything I say. |
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Relax. Or do not relax. There is no try. I am a fellow relaxist who is currently experiencing a great deal of strife, which is a great deal more strife than I'm used to... You see, the problem started last week when I was, well, relaxing. I was just sitting there, thinking about how great it is to just sit somewhere, when suddenly I realized that I had attained an incredibly deep plateau of relaxation. I was happy to be so relaxed, but the happiness slowly started turned to pride, and then to excitement, thus souring the experience a great deal. I tried to just relax and forget about it, but I was too relaxed to think of anything else to think about. I realized this, and found it to be quite the paradox. By this point my mind was going in circles, and I was no longer relaxed at all! I figured that the best thing to do would be to have a pint for the cause, but I don't drink alcohol, so I slammed back pint after pint of Coke, and I fear that the caffeine may have compounded the problem... What should I do? Sincerely, Disillusioned in Delta Difficult to relax you say. Much stress in you I sense. Clouded your future reveals. Broken my english is. This reminds me of that old paradox where you try to clear your mind of any extraneous thoughts and think of nothing. Of course the more you try to think about thinking about nothing the more thoughts you end up thinking about. Eventually, the thought enters your mind that it really isn't possible to think about nothing and you should just go on thinking again. Not that you actually ever stopped thinking in the first place. Then man invented alcohol and the paradox was pretty much put to rest. Getting back to your letter, I think that the problem is you're thinking to much about how relaxed you are. The key to relaxing is just to be, not to think. In fact, the High Priest's infamous "Have a pint for the cause" probably originates as a quick fix to that previously mentioned dilemma of thinking. Don't hold me to that, though, I should ask the High Priest myself. Being a non-drinker, however, should not inhibit your ability to relax. There is no dependence on alcohol to relaxing - it just happens to be a coincidental by-product. At any rate, it would be irresponsible of me to suggest an alternative "quick fix" to relaxing. The solution? Simple. Drink some herbal tea and then clear your mind of any extraneous thoughts. ZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz....... Lately I've been having trouble falling asleep at nights. I toss and turn and just can't seem to get enough shut-eye. When I do finally fall asleep, I wake up as tired as ever. Seeing as you're an expert on relaxing and all, I figured you could help me out. Sleepless in Seattle Well, sis (get it? Sleepless in Seattle...SIS... : | ...well I thought it was funny) you've come to the right place. I stumbled across a detailed article on Sleeping in Tune With the Body that can help you regulate your sleep. There were a couple of things I didn't like, or more specifically, thought were unclear in the article and want to point them out. Step five mentions that vigorous exercise should be at least four hours before sleep, however, in that context it almost infers that exercise would impair sleep. Actually, exercising helps to increase the levels of natural endorphins in your body, which in turn will let you feel more relaxed and more readily fall asleep. Again, vigorous exercise should be done about four hours before sleep - it just doesn't have to be avoided altogether. The second thing I noticed was that in step six they mention that anxiety is often the primary cause of sleep. Are you worried about something in particular? Stressed out? Studies have shown that dreams (which occur both in REM sleep AND Slow Wave Sleep, contrary to the article) may in fact be the mind's method of dealing with everyday problems. Ever dreamt about an interview or final exam the night before? Chances are you have, which can help alleviate the anxiety associated with such problems. Of course, dreaming requires you actually fall asleep first. So put your worries aside just before you go to bed (think about something more pleasant) and deal with your anxiety in your dreams. All in all, it's a good article that hopefully will help to cure your insomnia. Or is it the road that passes under the chicken? I've always wondered this: Why did the chicken cross the road? I don't know. Why did I show my drivers license to the bus driver this morning instead of my pass? Why do baseball players get contracts as large as the GNP of some small countries? Why doesn't anyone ever ask the chicken? Some things may never be meant to be answered. Or maybe the chicken just needed to get to the other side. Now don't go postal on me... Guru: I work as mail sorting technician at a local post office branch and find my job to be quite stressful. Lately, I've been trying those metallic stress balls - you know, the ones that you roll around in the palm of your hand until a feeling of relief is attained? The problem is they don't seem to work. I've been grinding those damn things until there's nothing but pellets left..yet I can't get rid of this feeling of uncontrollable anger and rage! The mail; it just keeps coming. I sort a pile and send it off..and a new pile comes right back in. Then I sort again. And again. And again. It never ends! Hey, wait a second. Isn't this the same pile I just sorted? Who's doing this? The voices inside my head keep telling me it's all a government conspiracy, should I believe them? I feel like I'm going insane! Ahhhhh! Supreme Guru what do I do? Congratulations! You win the Mr. Stress Award for being the most stressed out letter of the week!  First of all, you're not crazy. Secondly, stop using so many exclamation points in your emails. People might get the impression you're crazy or something. Now on to the problem at hand. The way I see it, the main problem you have is that using those metallic stress balls. Metal = hard, cold, and very unrelaxing. I suggest getting one of those soft, foam, rubbery balls from a local Looney store (errr...that's Looney as in Canadian dollar. I'm not suggesting you're crazy or anything). Foam = soft,squishy, and very relaxing. Then you can peg fellow co-workers in the back of the head when they're not looking. And since it's made of rubbery foam it should bounce right back to you with no one the wiser. Hours of entertainment, I tell you. So cure that work-related stress by amusing and entertaining yourself at the expense of others around you. Just remember to use the foam balls - not the metal ones, or it could get a little ugly. Finally, an easy one. Oh, Supreme Guru of Relaxism; wise sage of all that is tranquil and stress-free. For all his existence, mankind has searched in vain for the answer to the very question of existence. So I put to you, Supreme Guru: What is the meaning of life? The meaning of life can be found here. ----- Well, that's all for this week. I believe it was a pretty relaxing, if not successful first advice column. Amazing how I managed to respond to and complete a column the same day the website officially opened to the public, isn't it? Oh well, far be it from me to keep this vast array of knowledge, wisdom, and charm to myself. It is my honour, nay, my duty, to share with you all that I know. Except the charm. I'm rather partial to that. So make haste, and send your letters in! Supreme Guru |
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