02/02/02 - (Note: Today's "Teachings of the High Priest" has been edited by the Supreme Guru, and therefore may contain occasional editorial comments like this in italics)

The lesson for today could be titled: "How to Save Money With Your Cell Phone." (It could be called that - but it won't because there are no titles in these articles) Now, cell phones aren't very relaxing, but they can be very handy at times. Consider. They go off at inopportune times and play ridiculous music extremely loudly. However, cell phones are everywhere. They can be found in the grocery stores, the theatres, the bus stops, the restaurants, and absolutely everywhere else except perhaps space. Then again, astronauts have their own special phones. Anyways, take a look around and you might see someone talking on their cell phone right now, or hear one ringing in the background. Now you might be thinking, "The High Priest has finally gone bonkers. How is having a cell phone not relaxing?" Well, just trust me. It's not relaxing. But it can be made relaxing.

First of all, I do admit that having a cell phone can be handy. Indeed, they are often exceptionally handy. If you get in a car accident caused by being distracted by your cell phone, you can probably can use said cell phone (if it's not crushed beyond use) to call for help. Seriously though, cell phones are pretty neat, but can seriously interrupt you when you are in the middle of an important task. It used to be that a cell phone was a necessary tool for select people who needed to be available for contact at any time. Such as employees of large companies. So in that case, the cell phone was often a chain that caused a great deal of stress. Nowadays, there is also a fair number (Fair number? Every Joe regular and his dog has a cell phone these days) of cell phones that are used casually for personal calls. However, as I mentioned earlier, these cause stress when people call you at very inopportune times. For example, people may call you during a movie, or when you're operating heavy duty drilling equipment. (There is any easy way to avoid being interrupted at these times. Just TURN OFF YOUR PHONE) Naturally, the High Priest has the answer to avoid such stress.

When you apply for your new cell phone plan, ask for an area code that is different from your own. Most companies now offer free roaming charges and CallerID. So, if someone wants to call you, they have to pay long distance charges. But when you call them back, it's free. In fact, if they want to get a hold of you, it better be important. Nobody calls long-distance for fun. In fact, you can get yourself a free evenings and weekends plan and have a even better deal if you ask for a different area code. For instance, you live on the West Coast, and you ask for a East Coast area code. Now, not only is it more expensive for people to interrupt you, you are officially billed on East Coast time. So instead of having free phone calls after 6 pm. the three to four hour time difference allows you to have free phone calls after 2-3 pm. Great for people that are regular diurnals or nocturnals.

(So let me make sure I get this. Get a cell phone, ask for an area code - but not your own. So if you live the West coast get an East coast area code. This way when you call people - it's free. After 3pm. That is if you're in the West when you call. Except if you were actually in the East Coast to begin with it wouldn't be free at 3pm, only at 6pm. If people call you, it's long distance, so they won't call you. But if they do, which they won't, they can hang up and you can call them, which you won't, since they never actually called you. Unless someone is calling you long distance from the East when you are in the West. Which means they aren't actually calling you long distance since your area code is in the East. And therefore you will be more relaxed. Ahhh, yes. Of course. I understand completely. How clever.)

So in summary, this plan is free for you and expensive for people who want to annoy you. And if the phone call is really important, you can just call them back and it's still FREE! Much more relaxing then getting interrupted.

The High Priest

(I have an even better way to relax with cell phones. It's called a quarter. The perfect communication alternative to micro-waving your brain. I've also tried smoke signals - but it's still in the experimental stage. As you can imagine, it's somewhat difficult to carry around dry kindling and a blanket. - Supreme Guru)