The best way to understand our leaders is to listen to what they say. Unfortunately, what
they say may be misconstrued when reduced to a single quote or sound bite. Context is very
important. For instance, one politician once said:
"This is a great day for France!"
Well, you would think that it might be Charles de Gaulle after gaining their
independence of the Germans after WWII. Or maybe it
was Lucien Bouchard, the leader of the Bloc Quebecois in Canada, after declaring
Quebec part of France. Or maybe it was Bill Clinton after deciding not to declare
war on France. No, but honestly, Richard Nixon said the above quote during the funeral
of Charles de Gaulle. There also was that Watergate scandal too wasn't there?
Sometimes you have to question the sanity of those who are going into office.
Most people who are running are generally over fifty or sixty. So senility isn't
quite out of the question. In the last election in the US, Bob Dole, the
ultimate candidate for senility said the following:
"The Internet is a gateway to get on the net."
"...and another thing. I don't go around saying, 'Bob Dole this', and 'Bob
Dole that.' That's just not something that Bob Dole says!"
The High Priest is glad that Bob Dole didn't win. That probably would be one of
the greatest foreign relations blunders. Imagine a translator trying to get that
into another language. They probably wouldn't have a clue what he's saying.
In Canada, we actually do have a senile prime minister. At a press conference, a
reporter from the US asked what Canada was going to do about the amount of drugs
that were crossing the border from the US into Canada. His response was:
"Trucks? It's good! Let them come across the border! We will take all we can
get!" (confusing "drugs" for "trucks" with his thick French Canadian accent)
Or after the APEC scandal, where innocent students were pepper sprayed during a protest,
"Pepper? I put that on my plate."
Really, I'm not joking. That's what he said. I don't know what he means either.
Politicians generally are difficult to understand. The irreplaceable Dan Quayle
is the best of the best when it comes to incomprehensibility and ridiculousness. Here's
a handful of classic quotes from the former Vice President of the United States:
"It isn't pollution that is harming the environment. It's the impurities
in our air and water that are doing it."
"We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a 'part' of NATO. We have a firm
commitment to Europe. We are a 'part' of Europe."
"We're going to have the best-educated American people in the world."
"I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy.
But that could change."
"Hawaii has always been a very pivotal role in the Pacific. It is in the Pacific.
It is a part of the United States that is an island that is right here."
"Mars is essentially in the same orbit. Mars is somewhat the same distance
from the sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are
canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen.
If oxygen, that means we can breathe."
"The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. I mean in this
century's history. But we all lived in this century. I didn't live in this
That's right Dan, you didn't live in this century. Well, at least that's better
than the bold fact lying that other politicians do. Dan just shouldn't be
trusted with nuclear arms, firearms, or any heavy objects. How about Bill
Clinton during his impeachment trials?
"It depends on what the meaning of the word 'is' is."
"If a President ever lied to the American people, he should resign."
OK, the last one he actually said in 1974 about Richard Nixon's fiasco. But it's
close enough. But of course these shenanigans are throughout all ranks of politicians.
"The President has kept all the promises he intended to keep."
Clinton aide George Stephanopolous.
"I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law."
David Dinkins, New York City Mayor.
"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in
Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC
And last, but certainly not least, we have the newly inducted President of the United
States, George Bush, in his victory speech:
"After a difficult election, we must put politics behind us..."
What in blazes are you talking about? You're a politician. Politics is what you do. Now
isn't the time to put politics behind. You've got four years of running the country in front
of you. I swear that Bush never expected to win the election. After winning, he must
have been thinking to himself, "Damn. What did I get myself into here?" Looked like a deer
caught in the headlights during the whole speech.
These infamous quotations from our favorite politicians could go on forever. But
alas, there is only so much room in one article. So what is the lesson in all this, you
must be asking? Know who exactly is running the world, my relaxism disciples. For knowledge
is power. And with more knowledge, we gain more power to, yes, relax.
The High Priest