12/15/00 - As most of you know, there have been a few elections going on in the past month, in both Canada and the United States. As the High Priest of Relaxism, I thought I would take the time to commemorate all those who have served in the public office. Who were these people? What were they like? And why do we allow them to run our countries? Those questions will all be answered, except for the last one, because I really have no idea. I'm just here to present the facts.

The best way to understand our leaders is to listen to what they say. Unfortunately, what they say may be misconstrued when reduced to a single quote or sound bite. Context is very important. For instance, one politician once said:

"This is a great day for France!"

Well, you would think that it might be Charles de Gaulle after gaining their independence of the Germans after WWII. Or maybe it was Lucien Bouchard, the leader of the Bloc Quebecois in Canada, after declaring Quebec part of France. Or maybe it was Bill Clinton after deciding not to declare war on France. No, but honestly, Richard Nixon said the above quote during the funeral of Charles de Gaulle. There also was that Watergate scandal too wasn't there?

Sometimes you have to question the sanity of those who are going into office. Most people who are running are generally over fifty or sixty. So senility isn't quite out of the question. In the last election in the US, Bob Dole, the ultimate candidate for senility said the following:

"The Internet is a gateway to get on the net."
"...and another thing. I don't go around saying, 'Bob Dole this', and 'Bob Dole that.' That's just not something that Bob Dole says!"

The High Priest is glad that Bob Dole didn't win. That probably would be one of the greatest foreign relations blunders. Imagine a translator trying to get that into another language. They probably wouldn't have a clue what he's saying.

In Canada, we actually do have a senile prime minister. At a press conference, a reporter from the US asked what Canada was going to do about the amount of drugs that were crossing the border from the US into Canada. His response was:

"Trucks? It's good! Let them come across the border! We will take all we can get!" (confusing "drugs" for "trucks" with his thick French Canadian accent)

Or after the APEC scandal, where innocent students were pepper sprayed during a protest, he said:

"Pepper? I put that on my plate."

Really, I'm not joking. That's what he said. I don't know what he means either. Politicians generally are difficult to understand. The irreplaceable Dan Quayle is the best of the best when it comes to incomprehensibility and ridiculousness. Here's a handful of classic quotes from the former Vice President of the United States:

"It isn't pollution that is harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."

"We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a 'part' of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a 'part' of Europe."

"We're going to have the best-educated American people in the world."

"I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy. But that could change."

"Hawaii has always been a very pivotal role in the Pacific. It is in the Pacific. It is a part of the United States that is an island that is right here."

"Mars is essentially in the same orbit. Mars is somewhat the same distance from the sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe."

"The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. I mean in this century's history. But we all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century."

That's right Dan, you didn't live in this century. Well, at least that's better than the bold fact lying that other politicians do. Dan just shouldn't be trusted with nuclear arms, firearms, or any heavy objects. How about Bill Clinton during his impeachment trials?

"It depends on what the meaning of the word 'is' is."

"If a President ever lied to the American people, he should resign."

OK, the last one he actually said in 1974 about Richard Nixon's fiasco. But it's close enough. But of course these shenanigans are throughout all ranks of politicians.

"The President has kept all the promises he intended to keep." Clinton aide George Stephanopolous.

"I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law." David Dinkins, New York City Mayor.

"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country." Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC

And last, but certainly not least, we have the newly inducted President of the United States, George Bush, in his victory speech:

"After a difficult election, we must put politics behind us..."

What in blazes are you talking about? You're a politician. Politics is what you do. Now isn't the time to put politics behind. You've got four years of running the country in front of you. I swear that Bush never expected to win the election. After winning, he must have been thinking to himself, "Damn. What did I get myself into here?" Looked like a deer caught in the headlights during the whole speech.

These infamous quotations from our favorite politicians could go on forever. But alas, there is only so much room in one article. So what is the lesson in all this, you must be asking? Know who exactly is running the world, my relaxism disciples. For knowledge is power. And with more knowledge, we gain more power to, yes, relax.

The High Priest