A Modern Fable
Aesop's fables and other traditional children's stories involve allegory
far too subtle for the youth of today. Children need an updated message
with contemporary circumstance and plot line, and short enough to suit
today's minute attention span.
The Troubled Aardvark
Once upon a time, there was an aardvark whose only pleasure in life was
driving from his suburban bungalow to his job at a large brokerage house
in his brand new 4x4. He hated his manipulative boss, his conniving and
unethical co-workers, his greedy wife, and his snivelling, spoiled
children. One day, the aardvark reflected on the meaning of his life and
his career and on the unchecked, catastrophic decline of his nation, its
pathetic excuse for leadership, and the complete ineffectiveness of any
personal effort he could make to change the status quo. Overcome by a
wave of utter depression and self-doubt, he decided to take the only
course of action that would bring him greater comfort and happiness: he
drove to the mall and bought imported consumer electronics goods.
MORAL OF THE STORY: Invest in foreign consumer electronics manufacturers. -- Tom Annau
Making the rounds in Warsaw, 1987
An elderly man stands in line for hours at a Warsaw meat store (meat is severely
rationed). When the butcher comes out at the end of the day and announces that there is
no meat left, the man flies into a rage.
"What is this?" he shouts.
"I fought against the Nazis, I worked hard all my life, I've been a loyal citizen, and now
you tell me I can't even buy a piece of meat? This rotten system stinks!"
Suddenly a thuggish man in a black leather coat sidles up and
"Take it easy, comrade. Remember what would have happened if you had made an
outburst like that only a few years ago" -- and he points an imaginary gun
to his head and pulls the trigger.
The old man goes home, and his wife says, "So they're out of meat
"It's worse than that," he replies. "They're out of bullets."
An older student came to Otis and said, "I have been to see a
great number of teachers and I have given up a great number of pleasures.
I have fasted, been celibate and stayed awake nights seeking
enlightenment. I have given up everything I was asked to give up and I have suffered, but
I have not been enlightened. What should I do?"
Otis replied, "Give up suffering."
A doctor calls a patient into his office to give
him his test results. "I have some bad news and
some worse news," says the doctor. "The bad news
is that you only have 24 hours to live."
"Oh no," says the patient. "What could be worse
The doctor answers, "I've been trying to reach you
Two students taking a chemistry class at the
university were doing well in the class and thought
they each had a solid "A" grade going into the
final. Since they were confident of their grades,
they decided to visit another college to party with
some friends on the weekend before the chemistry
Unfortunately, they got back too late to take their
final. So they found their professor and explained
that they had missed the exam because of a flat
The professor allowed them to make up the final
the next day. When they returned for the test, the
professor placed them in separate rooms, handed
each a test booklet, and told them to begin.
Opening the small booklets, the students found just
"Take me out to the ball game..."
Jimmy and Joe were just about the biggest
baseball fans in America. They went to some 60
games a year. They even made a pact that
whoever died first would try to return in spirit form
Well, Joe finally died one summer night. A few
nights later, the sound of his voice woke Jimmy
from a sound sleep.
"Joe, is that really you?" Jimmy asked.
"Of course it's me." Joe replied.
"I can't believe it!" Jimmy said. "So is there baseball in heaven?"
Joe's voice came out of the dark. "I have good news and bad news for you, Jimmy.
Which do you want first?"
"Go ahead and give me the good news first, Joe."
"There IS baseball in Heaven." Joe replied.
"That's fantastic!" Jimmy said. "What could the bad news be?"
"You're pitching tomorrow night."
Monty Python, "The Book of Armaments"
And St. Attila raised the hand grenade up on high saying "O Lord
bless this thy hand grenade that with it thou mayest blow thine enemies
to tiny bits, in thy mercy" and the Lord did grin and the people did feast
upon the lambs and sloths and carp and anchovies and orang-utangs and
breakfast cereals and fruit bats and...
(skip a bit brother...)
Er ... oh, yes ... and the Lord spoke, saying "First shalt thou
take out the Holy Pin, then shalt thou count to three, no more, no less.
Three shall be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the count
shall be three. Four shalt thou not count neither count thou two,
excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once the number
three, being the third number, be reached then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand
Grenade of Antioch towards thy foe, who being naught in my sight, shall
Before he became a hermit, Zarathud was a young Priest, and
took great delight in making fools of his opponents in front of
his followers. One day Zarathud took his students to a pleasant pasture and
there he confronted The Sacred Chao while She was contentedly grazing.
"Tell me, you dumb beast," demanded the Priest in his
commanding voice, "why don't you do something worthwhile? What is your
Purpose in Life, anyway?"
Munching the tasty grass, The Sacred Chao replied "MU". (The
Chinese ideogram for NO-THING.)
Upon hearing this, absolutely nobody was enlightened. Primarily because nobody understood
The Fishing Trip
Bubba, Jim Bob, and Leroy were fishing out on the lake last November,
and, when Bubba tipped his head back to empty the Jim Beam, he fell out of
the boat into the lake. Jim Bob and Leroy pulled him back in, but as Bubba
didn't look too good, they started up the Evinrude and headed back to the pier.
By the time they got there, Bubba was turning kind of blue, and
his teeth were chattering like all get out.
Jim Bob said, "Leroy, go run up
to the pickup and get Doc Pritchard on the CB, and ask him what we should
Doc Pritchard, after hearing a description of the case, said "Now,
Leroy, listen closely. Bubba is in great danger. He has hy-po-thermia.
Now what you need to do is get all them wet clothes off of Bubba, and take
your clothes off, and pile your clothes and jackets on top of him. Then you
all get under that pile, and hug up to Bubba real close so that you warm him
up.You understand me Leroy? You gotta warm Bubba up, or he'll die."
Leroy and the Doc 10-4'ed each other, and Leroy came back to the
pier. "Wh-Wh-What'd th-th-the d-d-doc s-s-say L-L-Leroy?", Bubba
"Bubba, Doc says you're gonna die."
Looking for a cool one after a long, dusty ride, the drifter
strode into the saloon. As he made his way through the crowd to the bar, a man
galloped through town screaming, "Big Mike's comin'! Run fer yer lives!"
Suddenly, the saloon doors burst open. An enormous man, standing
over eight feet tall and weighing an easy 400 pounds, rode in on a bull, using
a rattlesnake for a whip. Grabbing the drifter by the arm and throwing him
over the bar, the giant thundered, "Gimme a drink!"
The terrified man handed over a bottle of whiskey, which the man
guzzled in one gulp and then smashed on the bar. He then stood aghast as
the man stuffed the broken bottle in his mouth, munched broken glass and
smacked his lips with relish.
"Can I, ah, uh, get you another, sir?" the drifter stammered.
"Naw, I gotta git outa here, boy," the man grunted. "Big Mike's