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So I'm sitting down to dinner with some friends and I over-hear a conversation
that went something like this:
Friend to stranger: "You didn't buy those NON free-range eggs did you?"
Stranger to friend: "Ummmm....nooooo...."(hides eggs behind back)
Friend: "You did! I hope you feel really guilty for the awful things those
chickens go through! They have their wings clipped and beaks removed and other nasty things!
(insert shameful pause)
Stranger: "But...........they were half price."
From this dialogue, I have thus concluded that we are all completely insane. On to the letters...
Disclaimer: This column reflects the opinions of the Supreme Guru of Relaxism. In the scope of this web site, these opinions are as good as fact.
Otherwise, it is recommended that you completely ignore everything I say.
Relaxism. It's magically delicious.
O supreme guru of relaxism
O highest of holy highs
I have come to asketh thou of advice
Where doeth lie the pot of gold?
Why doeth people giveth fruitcake on the eve of christ?
Why haveth all the wee marshmallows on the box of lucky charms been changed
over the years?
What hath happened to the character "bert" and the wee "casey" and
Where doest thou abide?
And how can one's deciples reach thee?
Fear not, relaxism disciple, for I have the answers that you seek. The pot of gold is where it has
always been - at the end of the rainbow. That was, until Lucky the Leprachan took back the pot of gold.
You see, it all began when Lucky's cereal - Lucky Charms, starting tinkering with the winning formula of
pink hearts, orange stars, yellow moons, green clovers, blue diamonds, and purple horse shoes.
Then came along red balloons - which was acceptable since they had forgotten to use that colour of the
rainbow from the outset.
Unfortunately, overzealous attempts to maintain a competitive edge in the breakfast cereal marketplace led
to such atrocities as "magenta flowers" and "tan bells". And who can forget the licorice-flavoured "black
rabbit's feet"? In a downward spiral with no hope for recovery, General Mills eventually bought out Lucky's
shares in the company.
After a year of living day by day, Lucky found himself penniless, and retrieved his pot of gold he had
left at the end of the rainbow in case of a rainy day. Looking to start anew, he ran across recently retired
Bert, Casey, and everyone's favourite little grey dog, Finnigan. Finished with their respective careers in
show business, the four of them sought to once again make a difference. Naturally, their search led
them to Relaxism. Now, with a rekindled spirit for educating today's youth, the four act as international
ambassadors to the Relaxism cause.
They work under different names, of course, and tend to shy away from
questions about their past. But you should feel relieved to know that the spirit of those great children's
characters lives strongly and still strives today to better humanity. As for the fruitcake question....
hey, relax. Why not give fruitcake?
And remember, you can always find the Supreme Guru in your heart...
Or, better yet, at email@example.com
Though shalt not haul across hot coals...
It is quite difficult to relax in such a harried world.
Maybe an environment alteration would do the trick. I demand that the
music guru be hauled over the coals regarding his blatant disregard for the
needs of this cul..., um, religious member.
And yes, I am relaxed, why would you ask?
I can only assume that your distress is referring to the fact that the music
section of our website is empty due to the music guru's sabattical in Japan.
I do not agree that this is grounds for hauling the music guru over hot coals,
however. You see, the music guru was on leave to broaden his musical
horizons by studying in the far east. It was an expedition of cultural
enlightenment, which benefits us all at Relaxism now that he has returned.
In fact, I do not believe that hauling people over hot coals is ever a reasonable course of action.
Not a very relaxed course of action, to be sure. And since one can be reasonable
if and only if they are in a relaxed state of mind, the fact that your
suggestion is not relaxed proves that is also not reasonable.
Therefore, I am proud to present you with this column's
Mr. Stress Award!
"I'M STRESSED!" -
And no, I was not asking if you were relaxed or not. Perhaps your own
paranoia warrants asking the question to yourself?
On a closing note, I have nothing else to say. Just
send your letters in, with the word Advice
in the subject of the email.
who wouldn't have considered the hot coals idea anyways because you didn't say please.
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